


kiss me (try to fix it)

by eggrater



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Angst, M/M, but u know what, god I am so sorry, hehe ily, i hope u enjoy this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-13
Updated: 2017-06-13
Packaged: 2018-11-13 17:19:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,652
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11189757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggrater/pseuds/eggrater
Summary: Fate is too strong a word.But some things are meant to happen. For better or worse.Both Yuzuru and Shoma are just trying to be at peace with them.





	kiss me (try to fix it)

**Author's Note:**

> i am just going to say i'm sorry in advance ... title is from Sad Beautiful Tragic - Taylor Swift. 
> 
> for shebs, thank you for supporting me through everything  
> xx,  
> ay

_Long handwritten note, deep in your pocket_

_Words, how little they mean, when you’re a little too late_

_I stood right by the tracks, your face in a locket_

_Good girls, hopeful they’ll be and long they will wait_

***

It’s Yuzuru’s seventh fall in practice today.

He cursed to himself. He’s been trying to distract himself from a certain young skater’s smile and his laugh, yet it kept distracting him. Yuzuru keeps seeing him while he’s jumping and it is bad for him, let’s get real.

But there is nothing he could do.

Breaking up was hard.

It has only been a few months since they started dating, yet when Shoma said the word, Yuzuru felt like his world crumbled into pieces. Suddenly all the plans didn’t matter. Shoma left. _I can’t do this after all, I’m sorry, Yuzuru_. And now here he is, all alone, reaching out for someone who’s not coming back.

He has always imagined all heartbreaks would be like the ones he experienced during competitions. When he lost, when he didn’t get the results he wanted. The bitter feeling that crushed his heart every time he realized he had failed yet again. When Shoma asked him to talk, he anticipated this already, but he didn’t think the heartbreak would be totally different.

He had expected the heartbreak to come slowly, eating him up little by little. And when the core of the heartbreak came, he’d be too numb to feel so it wouldn’t hurt just as much. But it didn’t. It turned out heartbreak came in waves, it stroked suddenly without any warning, and Yuzuru drowned. It’s as if the world stopped spinning for a second, and all he wanted was to take Shoma’s hand and stop him from leaving.

But he didn’t.

Yuzuru remembered getting mad. At himself, at Shoma. Because at the end, what did forever even mean to either of them? What did the small kisses on their knuckles or the top of Shoma’s head mean to Shoma? Why did he have to leave?

But then it hit him that he didn’t have the right to get mad.

He didn’t ask Shoma to stay. He didn’t ask Shoma why he left. But he wished he did. He wished he had known why the younger skater decided to leave him. He wished he had known why he decided to move on with his life without Yuzuru. Did he find someone else he loves? Whatever it is, Yuzuru wished he had told him.

But it was on him, if only he had asked him, probably Shoma would have told him. But he didn’t, and Shoma left. Yuzuru didn’t even try to make him stay, so maybe it only makes sense that he did.

Yuzuru closed his eyes before jumping a quadruple loop and landed it harshly. His first landed jump today.

***

_In dreams, I meet you in warm conversations_

_We both wake in lonely beds, different cities_

_And time is taking its sweet time erasing you_

_And you’ve got your demons and darling they all look like me_

Shoma drank the water in the bottle in one gulp before putting it on the desk. He, Keiji, and Satoko are appearing for a TV program and let’s be honest, it was exhausting. Shoma likes Keiji and Satoko, he loves them, they’re like siblings already, but it’s still not the same without Yuzuru. There are New Year decorations everywhere, reminding Shoma about Pyeongchang last year when he and Yuzuru got together.

Shoma hated ending the relationship. But he knew it was better for both of them. Yuzuru needs to focus, he’s approaching the end of his competitive career and Shoma has never wanted something more than seeing Yuzuru leaving with a new World title and an Olympic title. Shoma wanted to do his best while he can, he can’t afford to be distracted by a relationship. It wasn’t a mutual decision, though.

But Yuzuru didn’t even ask him why.

“Shoma-kun? Are you okay?” Satoko asked, concerned.

“Yeah.”

“You kind of looked down today, is this because of Yuzuru?” She asked carefully and Shoma’s heart skipped a beat. He looked at her for a few seconds before deciding that the glass in his hands is more calming to see right now. “Shoma-kun, you don’t have to force yourself. It’s okay, we all need the recovery phase.”

“If I follow what I want, I will never be able to do anything productive, Satton.” He smiled weakly. “But relationships … they don’t follow scripts or protocols or layouts, everything just happened in a second, didn’t they?”

“Isn’t that the thing that make it the most beautiful, the most interesting? The fact that you’re always excited about stuff with the other person, even the littlest thing. You find everything beautiful because they’re new, because you’re not expecting that, because you don’t know it’s coming.” Satoko paused. “Even the ending.”

Shoma swallowed hard.

“Did you regret it?” She asked softly.

Shoma shook his head. “I just hoped he would have at least tried to make me stay.”

“Just because he didn’t say it doesn’t mean he didn’t feel like that.” Satoko patted his shoulder. “He loved you, Shoma. Everyone could see that. And I don’t know how he’s feeling right now, whatever it was that you guys had, it was real. And now you guys are hours of timezones apart yet you’re probably still thinking about each other right now. Probably Yuzuru is asleep and you’re wide awake, but he’s seeing you in his dreams and you, daydreaming about him. Love is not always about being together, right?”

“He still loves you, Shoma.” Keiji finally spoke up. “I know.”

“Uno-senshu, Miyahara-senshu, Tanaka-senshu, please standby.”

Shoma took a deep breath before standing up, leaving the room. Satoko and Keiji’s words spinning in his head.

***

_Distance, timing, break down, fighting_

_Silence, the train runs off its tracks_

Yuzuru rolled on his bed. His room is dark, and under his blanket, he’s supposed to be asleep. The world seems so quiet from here, it’s as if he’s finally safe from whatever wounds life could give him, whatever harm the world could throw at him. But he knows all too well he’s not.

He’s still scared of the world sometimes. The world and what it can do to him, the world and all the harms inside it. Sometimes he’s reminded that Shoma is so far away and what if one day he tries to reach out and he’s gone. He’s reminded of midnight little fights with Shoma which usually ended with him holding the younger skater in his arms, repeating apologies. He’s scared, but at least not with Shoma.

He’s never scared with Shoma.

Back then, at times like this, he would dial Shoma’s number and whenever the young skater is not busy, he would stay there and talk to Yuzuru about anything. About his quadruple lutz attempt or his new progress, or just saying some sappy things here and there to Yuzuru, about how Yuzuru reminded him of the sun and that he deserves the world.

Shoma’s voice was like a tight hug, embracing him, and it made Yuzuru feel safe. He’s content and safe and he’s giving up all of him to Shoma because he trusts him. His heart aches from a lot of things but Shoma’s voice healed them in just a few words.  

Yuzuru had lost count of how many times Shoma’s voice brought him to sleep.

Yuzuru fell asleep and dreamed about a familiar pair of eyes, and a whispered _I love you_.

***

_Kiss me, try to fix it, could you just try to listen?_

_Hang up, give up, for the life of us we can’t get back_.

Shoma looked up at Yuzuru who just reclaimed the World Title from him by just 0.3 points. The world gold medal glinting around his neck, the crowd at Saitama roaring wild. He watched as Yuzuru glided on the ice, thinking about this would be the last time Shoma wotheyuld be on the podium with him.

(Yuzuru laughed when they did the wedding pose)

(It made Shoma’s heart heavy)

It’s been a few months since their relationship ended, and they’re definitely back to being friends. Even though it’s a lot more awkward now, nothing can go back to the way it was. Some hugs Shoma wished could be longer, or the stolen glances and the secret smiling when they passed each other.

Shoma is happy Yuzuru could end his career with a smile. That’s all he could think as he watched Yuzuru wrapped in the Japan flag, smiling at the cameramen. The smile Shoma would always cherish for the rest of my life, even though he was once the reason it was gone for awhile. The smile that could set Shoma’s heart in peace and calmed him down. The only curve in the world Shoma would spend all his life protecting.

Yuzuru gestured for him to join him taking pictures, leaving Junhwan Cha taking pictures with the Korea flag. Shoma nodded, taking the Japan flag, skated next to Yuzuru. The older skater smiled.

“Smile, Shoma.”

This felt exactly like the old times. Back to 2015 when Yuzuru pinched his cheeks to make him smile to the press, or when he waved to the audience using Shoma’s hands. This is like the old days, but it’s more different.

This time, there are hidden feelings, unspoken words in every touches, in every glances. They both knew it will never go back to the way it was, but at least, both of them are happy with this 

Shoma smiled.

***

_We had a beautiful magic love there_

_What a sad beautiful tragic love affair_

Yuzuru glanced at Shoma. Shoma glanced at Yuzuru. They both smiled.

Fate is a funny thing, isn't it? They had something and then it had to end. 

But maybe that was for the best after all.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading everyone!! please remember you can always scream with me on twitter, @emergency3A! <33


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